Ugh! Frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed, scared...

So I got the blog set up and an introductory post... then nothing. If I'm gonna do this, I probably need to post something every now and then, huh?  :-P  I've started several posts - at least in my head ;-), but haven't been able to finish and/or actually post yet.

I was going to post something about my fears - there are a lot of them, thus the name "skaredy kat"... or I was thinking about posting something about all of my "issues," physical and mental health issues, etc... things I'm wanting to work on. But for some reason I don't think I'm ready to put all of that out there yet. Not that I've got many (any) people reading this yet... but still...  ;-)

And if I do ever want/hope/expect people to start reading, I probably need to work on my writing skills... maybe not quite so many "..."s?  ;-)  Maybe not so many :-)  ;-)  :-P smileys? But then again, that's the way I think and write these days, so I should probably just not worry about it, huh? Huh? How many times will I use that in this post, huh?  :-P  Ugh!  So yeah, a couple of my biggest "issues" are anxiety and depression. And OCD. And a lot more, but more about that later! So I worry. About a lot of things. Pretty much everything. And I hate putting this kind of thing out there for other people to see when it isn't right. Anything I write - papers for school, blog posts, forum posts, facebook statuses, comments, etc. - I re-write, read, edit, re-write over and over and over again. Even one-line comments. Really. Crazy, right? I do these things in my head over and over again first, then I start typing, and do it again. And again. It's really frustrating, but I can't seem to figure out how not to do it. Then even after I post, I go back and edit several times if possible. Pretty much every time. If it's not possible to edit, then I delete and re-post half the time. Like on facebook - I do that all the time! So then I end up not posting as much as I'd like, because I don't want to deal with all the editing and re-writing. I should be able to just write and leave it. It doesn't have to be perfect. It never gets perfect, so why keep worrying about it? But I haven't gotten that far yet. I'm hoping that if I force myself to write more often, even if nobody is reading it, I can eventually learn how to write it and leave it alone. I know it doesn't have to be perfect. Logically I know that. But I still can't just leave it.

So have I rambled enough about that yet? Another big reason I haven't posted again this week is that my hubby is out of town for training. I actually had felt like I was getting to a better point with some of my depression and anxiety (which had been really really bad for a while...), then of course he goes and leaves me for several days. And the kids aren't sleeping well. And I'm not as good at the consistency thing and discipline as he is, which my 5-yr-old knows, of course, so he gets a little crazy when his dad isn't around. And when I'm not sleeping well, I don't cope as well. And when I'm so tired, I'm even worse with the discipline and consistency, because I just don't have the energy and just can't do it. And I'm stressed. And overwhelmed. And I've cried several times today, and it isn't even lunchtime yet. So I've had trouble finding (making) time to sit and write things out.

Hubby comes home today though. Finally! And he's had a long hard week - physically and mentally, so I wish I could have a clean organized house and calm kids for him to come home to. I hope to at least have dinner going in the crock-pot and a load of dishes going. So far I've kept the kids safe, fed, and happy, and I've gotten my son to school each day. The animals are fed, and I cleaned up cat vomit. But that may be about all I have done by the time he gets home. And all I want to do is go take a nap as soon as he's here - let him take over. But I can't do that to him. He deserves a break too...

But now the baby is crying, so guess I'll go. I'm going to hit publish, but I'm sure I'll come back and edit some more later. And the cat is throwing up again. Lovely. Anybody want a cat?

Ok... here goes!

So I've never had a blog before, but I think I've kind of always been a writer. I have been in my head, anyway. I had a diary off and on growing up, and tried keeping a journal as an adult, and when I did, I always felt like it helped to write about what was going on in my life... but I've never kept up with it. Not actually writing stuff out, anyway. I tend to write things out in my head a lot though (and edit and re-write - in my head... yeah I've got issues!), and I've been active in online forums, support groups, and message boards for years - even before a lot of the world knew what an online forum was. If you know me in real life, I'm not typically a talkative person. I am definitely an introvert, and can be pretty shy. But when I write (or post or whatever), I can go on and on sometimes... so you have fair warning now. You can stop reading any time you want! ;-)

Anyway, I've decided to stop writing only in my head, and start writing online. Not sure yet how many people I'll share this with, but we'll see! If you're a friend or family member reading this, and you find out something you didn't know, please don't feel like I was trying to hide anything from you. I've always been better at sharing when there's a computer screen in front of me than when there's a person in front of me for some reason. The more I use online forums, the more I see how much it helps just to find other people going through similar things too. Even if someone doesn't have any advice for me, a virtual hug and an "I understand - I've been there!" can help so much. So I guess another reason I've decided to go ahead and start the blogging thing, is if there's anyone out there that goes through similar "stuff" to what I go through, maybe reading about my experiences can help you feel a little better too. So whoever you are reading this right now, here's a virtual (((HUG))) for you!! :-D

Why now? Several reasons... It's March. That means my birthday is this month. This year will be 39 (UGH!). For some reason, that's scaring me (I'm noticing that word - scared - a lot lately! Grrrrr!). Anyway, 39 means that 40 is just a year away. And yes, I figured that out all by myself! ;-) I have a good life, and do feel truly blessed, but I'm also not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life - in many many ways. So I'm dedicating this next year to changing some things. By the time 40 hits, I intend to feel much more fabulous! :-)

Besides being my birthday month, March signals the start of Spring and a season of rebirth and renewal all around us, so it felt like a good time to really "kick off" this new effort within myself too. This past month, we also saw the start of the Chinese Year of the Snake. I saw a post on Facebook that said "The Year of the Snake is a year of transformation, a year for introspection... Just as the Snake will shed its skin to reveal a new, inner self, the Year of the Snake represents an opportunity for growth through introspection. Consider the path of the Snake, quietly observant, thoughtfully planning, and preparing for opportunity when it arises." So, again, sounds like the perfect time to get off my butt and get started with a few things! The Year of the Snake can be my year of transformation. As a weird number person, I like the date 3-1-13 too! ;-)

So here I am, blogging, posting, whatever... And I'm skared, but I'm doing it. Let me know your thoughts - about the blog, the post, life in general, whatever! Let me know you were here! And if you got this far... ;-) thanks for reading!

Ali
a.k.a. AliKat, MamaKat, SkaredyKat