I didn't know I was pregnant!

Yep. We're expecting! Another baby! Our THIRD!! Kind of still in shock and not entirely sure it's real, except that the home test was immediately and undeniably positive, oh yeah, and I've seen it twice on ultrasound - strong heartbeat, growing like crazy and everything. Luckily I didn't go a whole pregnancy without figuring it out, but it was 9 weeks!

And it probably would have been longer if we hadn't been going through a couple of boxes - getting ready to get rid of all of our baby stuff at a yard sale! Anyway, I came across an unused pregnancy test, and the thought just hit me - what if that's why I've been feeling "off" lately? I hadn't been feeling good for a month or more, but just attributed it to my general poor health, maybe my thyroid meds needed adjusting, I needed to get more exercise, whatever... really hadn't paid a whole lot of attention yet, but knew something was going on. Even when I saw the test and had that thought, I NEVER - in a million years - really thought it could be possible. We tried for  years to get pregnant, and were afraid we'd never have one child! Finally, with fertility assistance over a period of years, lots of financial and emotional stress, we were blessed with two amazing kids. Our family was whole. Or so we thought... ;-)

Then I found that test. I just set it aside, because obviously that couldn't really be going on, but for some reason that "what if" just kept pestering me in the back of my mind. We continued prepping baby stuff to sell, but the next day I went back for the pregnancy test. Couldn't hurt to try it. Obviously it would be negative, but it's here. Why not. Well, yeah. It was immediately obviously positive! I'd never seen a test result like it! With fertility issues, every other time I'd tested had been early, and I'd end up waiting with a timer, squinting at the test, holding it up to the light at different angles... is that a line? Is it not a line? Hubby, what does this look like to you? Etc... This was absolutely not like that. There was NO question what this test was telling me.

And I panicked. I think I started hyperventilating. So many things went through my head. What would hubby say?? How would we afford another kid? Where would we put another kid in this house? How did this even happen? I had major complications with both of my previous pregnancies and deliveries, and was pretty much told not to try again! What if the health complications were worse? What if... What if this was not the right choice for our family? Things were going to get crazy. Things are going to get crazy. What if it's not real? What if it is real?

So I called my doctor, and within a couple of hours, I was looking at an ultrasound image on a screen. And it was not a little tiny blob like we'd always seen at our early ultrasounds (with fertility assistance, ultrasounds came early and often). This looked like a baby already! I could see a head, arms, legs... and there was a heartbeat! A heartbeat! Already! Then she said it - "9 weeks." NINE weeks?? I'd been pregnant for a couple of months already, and had no clue! It was real. It is real. So doc gave me a few minutes to hyperventilate again and then calm down a bit, and she reassured me that this could work. It would be ok. I'm high-risk, yes, but I was with the others too. They will monitor everything closely, and we'll make this work.

So I went home. for several days, hubby and I just kept looking at each other and saying "three?" THREE??! How were we going to do this? We both had the "deer-in-headlights" look most of the time for a few days. Neither of us ever imagined our family including 3 kids. Three car seats. And more than likely, this one will be born before our daughter turns 2 - do we need a double stroller? Are we going to need a second high chair? Two in diapers at the same time?? Ack!! Someone's going to have to share a room - how will that work?

Oh, and then there's the timing. My due date is January 28. Our others were both born 6 or 7 weeks early, so more than likely it will be sometime in December. Our son is the end of November, and our daughter is January. And now another in December. Oh yeah, and there's Christmas in there... Less than two months - three birthdays and Christmas. Really? We couldn't at least spread it out a little??

Now it's been a couple of weeks, I've seen baby on ultrasound again and he/she is growing perfectly and heart is still beating strong. So I'm over 11 weeks now. And it's still real! I'm not hyperventilating any more, but I still have occasional moments of anxiety (ok panic...). And I definitely feel too old for this most days. But we're happy! And excited! And somehow we'll make it work! Still not sure of all the details... and we're a little (or a lot) worried about making the switch from one-on-one to zone defense... but plenty of parents are outnumbered and figure out how to keep control, right? Right??

For whatever reason, this was apparently meant to be. So here we are, and here we go! I still have no doubt things are going to get crazy, but we're ready for this adventure! We are blessed, and thankful!

I Have Issues

Yep, I have issues. Many of you (especially my dear husband) will say, "well duh!" ;-)

But I'm going to try to be serious for a minute. Because everyone has their own "issues," their quirks, their personal obstacles... some of them are obvious, but some of us fight some pretty tough battles every day that many never know about.

I just read this amazing blog post this morning. It's about me. My friend Andrea wrote it. She may say it isn't about me, but it really is. She puts it into words much better than I ever could, so just go read it! Please?

Good Girl Gone Redneck: Mental Health Blog Day #mhblogday:  It's Mental Health Blog Day today. I only found out a few minutes ago via Twitter. But I had to participate. I have to. Mental health matters. It matters to me. It should matter to you. (read more)

So apparently today is Mental Health Blog Day, and I didn't know that until I read my friend's post. But I'm going to go with it. I'm jumping in. I'm taking the opportunity to just put it out there. I have a blog - a very new blog without much on it, but it's here. And I have mental health issues. And part of what I'm hoping to accomplish with my blog is to work through some of my issues. To find more people with similar issues. To let other people know they aren't alone. Friends like Andrea have helped me realize even when I feel the most alone, I'm not. Others feel this too. I struggle almost every day with depression and anxiety (among other things). Some days the struggle is harder than others. But sharing with friends can make it a little less hard.

It seems so hard to talk about it. To tell people I have depression, anxiety, maybe more... but it shouldn't be. Do people who break a bone have trouble telling others? Does someone with diabetes have trouble telling people? Do people who wear glasses or contacts have trouble talking about it? Mental health conditions shouldn't be any harder to talk about than physical health conditions. There shouldn't be such a stigma. Others are talking about it more, so maybe I should too. If enough of us start talking about it, maybe that stigma will start to fade a little more...

One of my favorite parts of Andrea's post:

SO many people out there are experiencing mental health related issues, and they're terrified to say so. The stigma that they see? Those words? 

"She's nuts. Crazy." "What is WRONG with him?" "What's his problem?" "I'm tired of her canceling plans. I'm done. Let her find some new friends to cancel on." 

It makes so much sense to you to react this way. I'm not mad at you for doing so. I just want you to understand. Recognize there can be so much more than the eye can see. Use your gut. Sense it. Maybe offer to watch the kids while she takes a shower. Heck, a bath, even! Offer to come over to her house for the playdate. Pick her up if she's afraid to drive. Talk to him about YOUR therapist. Or your mom's. Whatever. Make it real. Make it normal. Make it okay. 

Because it is. It's okay. Really. 

And if it doesn't feel like it is, it WILL BE. I promise.

Yep. Thank you Andrea! I'm blogging for mental health too! Click here for more - http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/apamental-health-month-blog-day-links-round-up-2013/

It is important. It's important to think about, and it's important to talk about.

Why is it so hard?

So yeah, I'm still here... still thinking, strategizing, planning...

Having trouble doing though. Why is it so hard? I posted twice, then nothing for two months. It's not like I'm doing this for anyone else. There really shouldn't be any pressure or fear associated with just typing out some of what's going on... so why is it so hard? I keep thinking about the "bigger" posts I want to write, and about "going public" so to say, and that's what's still scaring me. I do want to make more definite goals for this year and make some definite changes, and I've actually taken a few baby steps already that I'm proud of, but I'm having trouble prioritizing and specifying the bigger things. I want to shout out about all of my health issues - physical and mental health, and ask my loved ones for more help and support, but that's so hard.

For now, I'm going to work on writing/posting more. Little stuff. Stuff that isn't so scary. ;-) My biggest goal or life change (so to say) that I'm working on over this year is to prioritize myself more. To stop trying to do everything I can for everyone but myself. I've started reading again over the last few months, which I hadn't done in years (literally), and that me-time is fantastic! I wish I could find/make more of it (the me-time), but I'm doing a little bit. And that's a good thing. I've made a few doctor appointments that I had been putting off - saw the dentist and the podiatrist. Have a physical scheduled. Those are good things. There's quite a bit more of that kind of thing I need to do, but it's a start.

And now I've posted again. Finally! ;-) And that's a good thing probably. So there you go! So if anyone's reading, what's going on in your life? What have you done for you lately?

Ugh! Frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed, scared...

So I got the blog set up and an introductory post... then nothing. If I'm gonna do this, I probably need to post something every now and then, huh?  :-P  I've started several posts - at least in my head ;-), but haven't been able to finish and/or actually post yet.

I was going to post something about my fears - there are a lot of them, thus the name "skaredy kat"... or I was thinking about posting something about all of my "issues," physical and mental health issues, etc... things I'm wanting to work on. But for some reason I don't think I'm ready to put all of that out there yet. Not that I've got many (any) people reading this yet... but still...  ;-)

And if I do ever want/hope/expect people to start reading, I probably need to work on my writing skills... maybe not quite so many "..."s?  ;-)  Maybe not so many :-)  ;-)  :-P smileys? But then again, that's the way I think and write these days, so I should probably just not worry about it, huh? Huh? How many times will I use that in this post, huh?  :-P  Ugh!  So yeah, a couple of my biggest "issues" are anxiety and depression. And OCD. And a lot more, but more about that later! So I worry. About a lot of things. Pretty much everything. And I hate putting this kind of thing out there for other people to see when it isn't right. Anything I write - papers for school, blog posts, forum posts, facebook statuses, comments, etc. - I re-write, read, edit, re-write over and over and over again. Even one-line comments. Really. Crazy, right? I do these things in my head over and over again first, then I start typing, and do it again. And again. It's really frustrating, but I can't seem to figure out how not to do it. Then even after I post, I go back and edit several times if possible. Pretty much every time. If it's not possible to edit, then I delete and re-post half the time. Like on facebook - I do that all the time! So then I end up not posting as much as I'd like, because I don't want to deal with all the editing and re-writing. I should be able to just write and leave it. It doesn't have to be perfect. It never gets perfect, so why keep worrying about it? But I haven't gotten that far yet. I'm hoping that if I force myself to write more often, even if nobody is reading it, I can eventually learn how to write it and leave it alone. I know it doesn't have to be perfect. Logically I know that. But I still can't just leave it.

So have I rambled enough about that yet? Another big reason I haven't posted again this week is that my hubby is out of town for training. I actually had felt like I was getting to a better point with some of my depression and anxiety (which had been really really bad for a while...), then of course he goes and leaves me for several days. And the kids aren't sleeping well. And I'm not as good at the consistency thing and discipline as he is, which my 5-yr-old knows, of course, so he gets a little crazy when his dad isn't around. And when I'm not sleeping well, I don't cope as well. And when I'm so tired, I'm even worse with the discipline and consistency, because I just don't have the energy and just can't do it. And I'm stressed. And overwhelmed. And I've cried several times today, and it isn't even lunchtime yet. So I've had trouble finding (making) time to sit and write things out.

Hubby comes home today though. Finally! And he's had a long hard week - physically and mentally, so I wish I could have a clean organized house and calm kids for him to come home to. I hope to at least have dinner going in the crock-pot and a load of dishes going. So far I've kept the kids safe, fed, and happy, and I've gotten my son to school each day. The animals are fed, and I cleaned up cat vomit. But that may be about all I have done by the time he gets home. And all I want to do is go take a nap as soon as he's here - let him take over. But I can't do that to him. He deserves a break too...

But now the baby is crying, so guess I'll go. I'm going to hit publish, but I'm sure I'll come back and edit some more later. And the cat is throwing up again. Lovely. Anybody want a cat?

Ok... here goes!

So I've never had a blog before, but I think I've kind of always been a writer. I have been in my head, anyway. I had a diary off and on growing up, and tried keeping a journal as an adult, and when I did, I always felt like it helped to write about what was going on in my life... but I've never kept up with it. Not actually writing stuff out, anyway. I tend to write things out in my head a lot though (and edit and re-write - in my head... yeah I've got issues!), and I've been active in online forums, support groups, and message boards for years - even before a lot of the world knew what an online forum was. If you know me in real life, I'm not typically a talkative person. I am definitely an introvert, and can be pretty shy. But when I write (or post or whatever), I can go on and on sometimes... so you have fair warning now. You can stop reading any time you want! ;-)

Anyway, I've decided to stop writing only in my head, and start writing online. Not sure yet how many people I'll share this with, but we'll see! If you're a friend or family member reading this, and you find out something you didn't know, please don't feel like I was trying to hide anything from you. I've always been better at sharing when there's a computer screen in front of me than when there's a person in front of me for some reason. The more I use online forums, the more I see how much it helps just to find other people going through similar things too. Even if someone doesn't have any advice for me, a virtual hug and an "I understand - I've been there!" can help so much. So I guess another reason I've decided to go ahead and start the blogging thing, is if there's anyone out there that goes through similar "stuff" to what I go through, maybe reading about my experiences can help you feel a little better too. So whoever you are reading this right now, here's a virtual (((HUG))) for you!! :-D

Why now? Several reasons... It's March. That means my birthday is this month. This year will be 39 (UGH!). For some reason, that's scaring me (I'm noticing that word - scared - a lot lately! Grrrrr!). Anyway, 39 means that 40 is just a year away. And yes, I figured that out all by myself! ;-) I have a good life, and do feel truly blessed, but I'm also not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life - in many many ways. So I'm dedicating this next year to changing some things. By the time 40 hits, I intend to feel much more fabulous! :-)

Besides being my birthday month, March signals the start of Spring and a season of rebirth and renewal all around us, so it felt like a good time to really "kick off" this new effort within myself too. This past month, we also saw the start of the Chinese Year of the Snake. I saw a post on Facebook that said "The Year of the Snake is a year of transformation, a year for introspection... Just as the Snake will shed its skin to reveal a new, inner self, the Year of the Snake represents an opportunity for growth through introspection. Consider the path of the Snake, quietly observant, thoughtfully planning, and preparing for opportunity when it arises." So, again, sounds like the perfect time to get off my butt and get started with a few things! The Year of the Snake can be my year of transformation. As a weird number person, I like the date 3-1-13 too! ;-)

So here I am, blogging, posting, whatever... And I'm skared, but I'm doing it. Let me know your thoughts - about the blog, the post, life in general, whatever! Let me know you were here! And if you got this far... ;-) thanks for reading!

Ali
a.k.a. AliKat, MamaKat, SkaredyKat